Authenticity Vs Faking It - The Self Improvement Blog

By Karen Eriksen -

I wrote a book on political advocacy, but I have never been very political in my personal or work lives. What I mean by that is that I have tried to be authentic, true to who I am, honest in all of my dealings with people. ?What you see is what you get,? so to speak.

And, most times, ?what you get? is an unfinished product. Sometimes, because I am an extravert, that product is being worked on or completed during the process of the conversation. Those on the listening end get to see the ?construction? process in all its gory detail and incompleteness, and therefore, sometimes see struggle.

Often after these conversations, if someone has been receptive to listening to me ?become,? the growth process continues independently, beyond the conversation, and I realize that ?becoming? is an ongoing, never ending, never static process.

Authenticity is being fully ourselves, even while knowing that that ?self? is a work in progress. Therefore, being authentic, by definition, is about ongoing growth, about recognizing that we are all in a process of becoming, about being willing to share that journey with another human being, and about knowing that if more people were willing to join with one another, we would all gain much needed support for the journey. We would not have our journey?s so often derailed by in authenticity ? Okay, let?s just be honest, by lying, by fabricating, by trying to get what we want from people, and by saying whatever we have to say in order to get it. And if we are so willing to do it, we have to assume that others are doing the same with us.

In some cases, perhaps in authenticity is less conscious than outright lying or faking it. For instance, my experiences in some work and personal relationships have persuaded me that not everyone is ready for authenticity. In personal relationships, some folks I meet have been so damaged that they must be handled with kid gloves. Or their maturity or developmental capacities are such that any negatives from another person feel ultimately destructive, and so they can?t bear it. Some have not developed enough of a sense of ?self? that they can consciously step back from and work on.

In work settings, it sometimes has seemed as though people are keeping their authentic selves behind some sort of barrier, as though there were some rule that these selves are not to be expressed at work. And so, I have ended up wondering what others really think about ideas that have been proposed. For those who are more introverted (that is, they process their thoughts and work on themselves more privately than publicly), it probably makes sense that I am not hearing their reactions in meetings. But it doesn?t make much sense that I wouldn?t hear their thoughts in more private conversations.

I have particularly been surprised and disappointed by this state of affairs given that much of my work has been with mental health professionals, who should have the capacity and know the value of speaking honestly and openly, and of resolving any difficulties that emerge from being authentic, from telling the truth, from being incomplete in the presence of others.

Because I now realize this typically inauthentic state of affairs, I spend a little more time in both personal and work relationships trying to assess the other person?s capacities and expectations. And I really value situations in which I can be authentic and can trust the other person to be authentic in return. In which both parties are clear that authenticity and relationships are a process, that everything one says doesn?t have to be perfect or a final product because in the process of conversation, both people can allow themselves to change their minds, to grow, to learn, to become more than they were when they started. And they can trust that the other person is not only willing to engage in this process, but is trustworthy to offer them the support they need to be ?in process.?

I have also learned to test the waters a bit more-to check with people who ask me questions ? do they really want the truth? And then, I sometimes send up a test balloon gently telling them my truth and checking with them on whether they are okay, or asking them what they think about what I have said. I find it helps, if their emotions are running high, if I reflect their feelings (?You seem a bit upset about this?) or anticipate what their feelings might be in response to what I am saying (?I am afraid you might be offended by what I am saying, but that is not my intent.?). After some time of working with a person, or being in relationship with someone who values this authentic process, I find myself relaxing, and as I indicated before, really valuing the relationship, the person, and the opportunity to journey together through this interesting and sometimes difficult process called ?Life.? These are the people I prefer to work with. These are the people who become my friends.

And these are the people who are my support group in a life journey that includes being a community and developing communities with many different types of people.

What about you? Have you thought about authenticity? Is it something you value? Have you discovered who your authentic self is? Have you tried to grow in your authenticity wherever you find yourself? Do you experience authenticity in your relationships? Have you ever tried to intentionally create it in your relationships?

If you haven?t, I think you are missing something of ultimate importance. If you haven?t, you may not have the support that all of us need in our journey through life. If you haven?t, you may not know how to rediscover happiness or life satisfaction when it disappears. If you haven?t, you may need professional counseling when life throws you a curve-many of us do. But those of us with authentic relationships have others to support us through the difficult times in life because others have been walking beside us on the journey all along. Jot your thoughts in response to these questions and ideas below.

Dr. Karen Eriksen
Eriksen Institute for Ethics

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